I am a failure.
sober.
broken ankle
mother's wrath
I am the worst fuck up ever.
crying inability

I want a cigarette.
there is a deep depression welling up inside me.
I know that sounds angsty
but its been aching in my chest as of late.

3:00am
Painting
smoking cigarettes in the bathroom.
listening to Antony and The Johnsons.
I am a little high.

comfort.

I wrote so much last post I didn't realize.
Anyway, its 4:30am I'm watching jackass with my really good friend Elijah, and I really want a cigarette.

I put up some more work its nothing compared to the amount I actually have to get up on here eventually. I just cant stand the DevArt posting process and I'm really tired. So maybe tomorrow!

Oh well, I'm going to go smoke, I suggest whoever reads this go read allen ginsberg, smoke a cigarette, watch pink flamingos, and paint something today. At least thats what I'm going to do.


ciao for now.

Hello all. I know no one actually reads this, but I don't have a blog and even though I haven't been able to get any of my newest art up because of camera and or computer dysfunctions I still breathe Deviant Art and I try to get on and browse around at least once a day!

So the new school year has started. I'm now a sophomore at Fashion Institute of Technology. I'll be obtaining my associates in Fine Arts come this May! Woo-well, that is if I pass math haha -and the saga continues!- I need two math credit classes to graduate and out of sheer dominating pessimistic will I have not taken the placement testing for my previously stated math courses. Oh well, It'll happen eventually, I just don't want to face the reality of math being my last obstacle once again keeping me from graduating! I cannot pass math.period. It is just not in my nature to calculate. I'm an artist damn it! I can create and form and ponder the greatest philosophies of life, but I cannot perform a mathematical proof...

Anyway,
so this year I am in my second level of figure painting, which even though we're only two-three weeks into the first semester, I already and enjoying greatly. I painted all summer -examples of which I hope to have up here by the end of the month...- and my style has changed considerably I think. My professor I have for figure painting this year is the same professor I had twice for it last year so it's nice because he knows me and he knows my style before and currently and it's better advice now because he knows what I can do and what I'm too chicken shit to do, haha. I've also begun my first level of abstract painting and it's fabulous I have to say. My professor is really down to earth and a great teacher and being from a high school abstract/muralist background its a lot of fun to do it now and get better feedback on the work. Hooray. I am also now in my second level of sculpture and I hate my professor with the flaming passion of a thousand suns. It doesn't matter I suppose, I just have to get the work done and like what I create at the end of the day. I just can't stand anything about her and her method of teaching. It's nice though, I'm starting a metal-smithing project in her class and she has no say because she's a plaster sculptor professionally and doesn't work in metal and I did during high school so hah fuck hah! I'm really excited about the project and hopefully if I find a scanner big enough I can scan some of the planning sketches for the project and put them up before I'm done with it! Everything else is pretty much just a continuation of last year only new professors, I have a great printmaking professor this year although I still love Martino to death. He's such a sweetheart.

Onto friends and art - Christopher the love of my life has moved to Harlem. It's so sad because I miss sleeping on his floor and getting high and drawing all over his huge purple paper roll! It was such a nice time last year and now I don't have two of my three best boys. David the light of my life lives on my floor in my building, but he's just one of three. Brandon my Husband, moved into Brooklyn with cute hipsters and I only see him on Wednesdays or so, so it's sort of depressing. I still see Elijah and Brenton, and OH NO! Miles decided not to come back to school this year! He's taking a year off, but he promised me on the phone that he would come up to stay with me soon and bring me wonderful drugs! I love Miles, my little darling. <3

That's about it really. I'm doing some awesome work this semester I think and I've been getting more comfortable with just pulling shit out of my ass and then turning it into something awesome. I acid bathed my last zinc plate today in class and it was sad because I'm so poor that I can't afford new plates. I can't afford anything at the moment and I've been hunting for a job for over a week now. I had an interview on Saturday and I have one today at 2pm (Tuesday, yes I'm writing this at 1:30am, so technically it's Tuesday now..) I'm resorting to no sleep already and it's only three weeks into the year! God I'm awful hahaha.

That's about it. I'm waiting on a new lithium battery for my Canon because the regular batteries die within an hour on this beast of a machine. Once the battery comes in I will photograph all of my work from last year and all of my current work/plans for this year and hopefully have it all up soon! I really want it up personally so I can keep track of it in some way otherwise I'll never remember to build my portfolio come April hahaha.

P.S. I'm thinking of going into Textile and Surface Design. I'm not sure about it, mainly because I have no patience for repetition and I also have no head for solving problems that textiles would bring up. Hahaha, I have to see. I can't afford another school so I'm here until I decide to leave. Oh well!

P.P.S. David and I are hopefully going to be getting an apartment soon. I hope so it'd be so easy to live with that wonderful gay man and I love him to pieces. We'll have to see about the money situation seeing as how Mother has all of a sudden refused to pay for anything anymore. No warning either just, "You have to pay for yourself now. Your dad and I can't manage it all, not with your sister graduating in two years..." TWO YEARS YO SERIOUSLY. Haha. My sister is 16 she's got madd time! I don't see a big deal, but I'm looking into a permanent job and a place to live so we'll how this all turns out.


Also, I know this is a long post, I just don't talk about anything ever and I don't blog. I don't actually have the time. As it is I have a 9am class today (Tuesday again) and I should be sleeping not writing all of this nonsense that no one is going to read! Haha.

By the way, Wednesday is Free Hug Day. Make it work.

-ciao

Its so fucking hot out. Oh em gee.
I finished school May 19th. Yay.
I've been doing some art whenever I have free time, but nothing coherent has been popping up. I'm working full time at Michael's craft store. It sucks, but then again all retail sucks. I miss all of my gay boys <3 and am lonely without so much gay love everywhere all the time. Christopher and David are coming to visit me on Sunday! Also, I started on location class with Jeffrey Fisher so that should be a guaranteed fun time over the summer. Every Sunday driving or taking the train somewhere to just draw for 8 hours?! Exciting I know. Last summer was fun, I can only imagine what this summer will bring.

oh no Godzilla!
bye for now.
:]